THE AMUSED LIFE BLOG

If you've read any of my blog posts or have been through my dips in depression via my Facebook feed, you'll know that I think a LOT about what other people think. I'm trying hard to reverse that tendency but honestly the deprogramming to want to be liked by everyone (or most people); is a harder knot to unravel than I had previously thought. In many ways, I believe I have what is called a polarizing personality. It wasn't something I intended in any way, shape or form to have but as I do an inventory of my life and relationships I find that either people like me a lot or basically just hate me or want nothing really to do with me. I suppose I have a large brushstroke of people who are lukewarm but I have come over the years to realize that the toxic traits in myself that I continue to work towards uncovering or better yet evolving past really do tend to alienate people that I once honestly would have gone the distance for. I think it's my tendency to over commit the...

My name is Anna and I live with and manage anxiety based depression. I have probably dealt with symptoms of it since I was 16 years old or from what I can remember. Sadly my memory is often spotty throughout my life. I find that a lot of that spottiness is around traumatic events that I have experienced. Sometimes it's related to increased symptoms of my illness or a "flare up" of the kind that causes the anxiety or depression or both to get to a level that I can manage. At this time in my life I find myself in a few existential quandries that make me feel like I am a huge ball of yarn completely tangled up so perhaps this year is where I begin trying to unravel the tangled mess that is me.  I've struggled my entire life with never feeling "good enough" and sometimes I'm unsure if that feeling is tied in tightly to my illness or just an additional learned script I have running through my brain. I've tied that feeling frequently to people's...

Today, the change of power took place in our great country of the United States of America. Listen, our country has been through a LOT over the past year, the past four years and honestly since we decided to declare our independence let alone step foot on this land we now claim as our own. So this post isn't about just the inauguration of Biden and Harris, it's actually about the shock and awe (in non-military terminology), that I have for this country I live in and love. I've always been proud to be an American and I still am. Does that mean that I'm blind to the atrocities that our forefathers have committed. No. From the pillaging of indigenous people's lands, to slavery, to our history of human and equal rights violations, interment camps for Japanese citizens and now those who crossed our border to the South and that's just a quick smattering of the blights on our conscience. I hold no illusions that we have made many mistakes. We are a country founded by h...

I woke up today very early. My significant other and I have a young puppy so that's part of the life at this time. Disturbed sleep. I woke up and just thought well, it's Thanksgiving, let's just be thankful today. I was in a good frame of mind. I had made the decision to just be present today as much as possible. But...in the wee small hours of the morning my always present depression and anxiety had other plans. I went to message a friend of mine. I connect a lot on Facebook so I went into messenger to just let her know I was thinking about her and I couldn't find her. At first I didn't worry, I figured that she and I were both struggling with the election stress and maybe she just went dark for a bit. I get that. I understand taking the mental health break if need be. Alas, she didn't just go dark.  Upon investigation I came to understand that I had a friend in real life that I care about deeply. I would try hard to check on her and send Erik over with various...