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Abandonment, Fear and Thanks

I woke up today very early. My significant other and I have a young puppy so that's part of the life at this time. Disturbed sleep. I woke up and just thought well, it's Thanksgiving, let's just be thankful today. I was in a good frame of mind. I had made the decision to just be present today as much as possible. But...in the wee small hours of the morning my always present depression and anxiety had other plans.

I went to message a friend of mine. I connect a lot on Facebook so I went into messenger to just let her know I was thinking about her and I couldn't find her. At first I didn't worry, I figured that she and I were both struggling with the election stress and maybe she just went dark for a bit. I get that. I understand taking the mental health break if need be. Alas, she didn't just go dark. 

Upon investigation I came to understand that I had a friend in real life that I care about deeply. I would try hard to check on her and send Erik over with various noshes and produce during the summer and early fall. I got the beautiful opportunity to interview her and learn more about her story. It was so incredible and made me even more proud to know and love her. I didn't know about so much of her story I realized when I interviewed her...but what a triumph she is.
I know that Facebook is only one way to connect but I have discovered today that she has unfriended me and blocked me. I'm heartbroken.


I tend to lose people regularly that I deeply care about and don't know why. I know that I am not an easy person to know or love and for that I'm so very sorry. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life but at all times my intentions were pure and I have never ever intentionally set out to hurt anyone in my world. I have tried very deeply to let people go who deserve to not have the toxic traits that I continue to work on every day because I believe in them and I believe they should shine without the weight of me being a toxic remnant in their life.


I posted this reflection on Facebook now having realized that perhaps my personal profile will honestly just be that. Personal. Me. No networking on it no intention to bug people. I can have a page and an profile and keep them separated. Both are sides of me but I'm just going to accept that less and less people will get full access to me.

After posting it, I felt guilty about doing so. I know that I tend to bleed all over my social media at times; but sometimes its the only connection I have. In truth I'm only very close to those whom I live with. I was closest to my grandparents, my parents and then the people I've been in actual domestic life relationships with. I am not a super uber social butterfly. I do like being in my cocoon and being close to a very few humans. Perhaps that's what the issue is, perhaps I get into relationships with people who need more from me than I can give and it's not that I don't want to give it...I just struggle with the time and energy to give it as fully to everyone. I'm only one carbon-based lifeform just trying to figure my own shit out while working super hard to do no harm to anyone else.


Then two people whom I admire greatly reached out to me. People that I didn't realize may see me and understand. People I'd love to get to know better if I wasn't afraid. It's funny I am and I'm not afraid at the same time; and perhaps, that's the rub. That's the reason why whomever will be my friends and acquanitances truly know that and can roll with the dynamics that come with who I am most days. Perhaps I do really struggle with attachment...and most importantly I struggle hardest with feelings of abandonment.


After a few chats with people who responded to my post. I took this morning a quiz to do a little bit of digging. Is abandonment and attachment the thorn in my side that still festers even now? Here were my results.


Reference 1

I wasn't surprised to find that only 14% of me related to attachment theory in psychology is considered "secure". I knew that, but I knew it deep inside. I realized when this little quiz fleshed some of it out a bit more that this may be part of the digging in the dirt I still have to do in my own psyche. I mean seeing the above breakdown wasn't a huge shock but it was a realization to me that the me that walks around daily, talks to people on Facebook or just "checks in" every now and then is only the tip of the iceberg. The part of the me that everyone sees and knows and the rest of what's inside me is in a little bit of denial.


I guess today, I'm thankful for realizing that I'm still a work in progress. I'm not going to keep beating myself up for these mistakes and these unhealed parts of me. I'm going to keep working to embrace them and work to heal them; at the end of my life I want to know that I kept trying. It's all we all can do.


Happy Thanksgiving anyone and everyone who reads this.
Thank you for just spending a moment of your time with me.

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