THE AMUSED LIFE BLOG

My name is Anna and I live with and manage anxiety based depression. I have probably dealt with symptoms of it since I was 16 years old or from what I can remember. Sadly my memory is often spotty throughout my life. I find that a lot of that spottiness is around traumatic events that I have experienced. Sometimes it's related to increased symptoms of my illness or a "flare up" of the kind that causes the anxiety or depression or both to get to a level that I can manage. At this time in my life I find myself in a few existential quandries that make me feel like I am a huge ball of yarn completely tangled up so perhaps this year is where I begin trying to unravel the tangled mess that is me.  I've struggled my entire life with never feeling "good enough" and sometimes I'm unsure if that feeling is tied in tightly to my illness or just an additional learned script I have running through my brain. I've tied that feeling frequently to people's...

It's a routine I've known for at least 30 years. I know it like I know the feel of each bump on my skin as I rub my arms. A familiar 8 count of part self-flagellation, part-curiosity it's a dance I do in the wee hours of the morning when my mind is still running around like a kid on pixie sticks at a birthday party rental at the dance studio. I point my toes and leap, deep diving into the familiar dance routine and steps...search google, look up "XYZ" and just tap dance through posts to see how life is treating them.  It's when you stumble trying to remember dance steps that you did when you were in your twenties that you realize you're getting too old. The bones hit the floor harder these days and when you come across a post dated 2015 where you are referenced as a "much-needed and much-desired divorce", you realize that the old wounds from your early years still throb a bit every now and then. Mind you, I wasn't completely floored by that ...

If this 2020 taught me anything, it's that what happens in my four walls are 1001% my responsibility. I've allowed overworking and over-engaging in distractions to keep me from participating in some small way from bringing the holidays into my home. I mean we do the traditional food basics on the high-holy-holidays of Thanksgiving and such; but no decoration. No specific traditions. Something that I realize now was a gift my mother gave me as a child. What I mean by that is, the creation of household traditions and decorating for a holiday gave this growing girl a sense of wonder. Holidays were extra special because the person I loved so much made them special. The traditions were steeped in family and home. The sense of love was so real and now reflecting on everything I and others have survived in this year, it's time for me to forge some beloved traditions of my own.  I think I didn't do this sooner because I've been silently grieving the reality that having a ch...

I woke up today very early. My significant other and I have a young puppy so that's part of the life at this time. Disturbed sleep. I woke up and just thought well, it's Thanksgiving, let's just be thankful today. I was in a good frame of mind. I had made the decision to just be present today as much as possible. But...in the wee small hours of the morning my always present depression and anxiety had other plans. I went to message a friend of mine. I connect a lot on Facebook so I went into messenger to just let her know I was thinking about her and I couldn't find her. At first I didn't worry, I figured that she and I were both struggling with the election stress and maybe she just went dark for a bit. I get that. I understand taking the mental health break if need be. Alas, she didn't just go dark.  Upon investigation I came to understand that I had a friend in real life that I care about deeply. I would try hard to check on her and send Erik over with various...

Expecting it to be...when expectation is the thief of true understanding.  Originally posted on former blog: 05/24/20 I think the hardest thing for me in this life is realizing that I see people for who they are in depth not just their mistakes, their choices, their anger, or their hate at times. I have always been okay EVENTUALLY just letting people go the way they need to after distancing so I could get my head okay with the fact that whatever about what happened wasn't really about me because I know who I am and I know what I try to do is always with the best intentions at heart. However I know that the need to distance at times offends people to the core. I know that people want to make up their minds to just hate someone for the sake of hating them. In the end, that's their burden to bear and I'm sorry they have to live with that always eating them away. I have been judged so many times for doing so many things that people were afraid to do. I have been judged for bein...