If you've read any of my blog posts or have been through my dips in depression via my Facebook feed, you'll know that I think a LOT about what other people think. I'm trying hard to reverse that tendency but honestly the deprogramming to want to be liked by everyone (or most people); is a harder knot to unravel than I had previously thought. In many ways, I believe I have what is called a polarizing personality. It wasn't something I intended in any way, shape or form to have but as I do an inventory of my life and relationships I find that either people like me a lot or basically just hate me or want nothing really to do with me. I suppose I have a large brushstroke of people who are lukewarm but I have come over the years to realize that the toxic traits in myself that I continue to work towards uncovering or better yet evolving past really do tend to alienate people that I once honestly would have gone the distance for.
I think it's my tendency to over commit then sadly under-deliver that is the biggest issue I have with ongoing relationships. I have a lot of things that I really, truly and with all my heart want to do; but time, money, communication breakdowns or on bad months my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety will remind me that I have bit off far more than I can chew. Couple that with a history of distrusting people, and I think I've formulated the perfect toxic trait cocktail. Bottoms up!
Now understand that every time I have over committed and then under delivered I never set out to NOT go the distance. I stick my neck out with the willingness to risk a lot and then am faced with more realities than the person who dreams big but doesn't always have the resources to cross that finish line. In some cases it was taking a job or a gig that promised me big rewards and then didn't pan out leaving me with a line of seemingly empty promises. Promises I made to fulfill because I had actually set things in motion or put things in place in my life to make those promises a reality. Unfortunately though, sometimes those things we bank on fall through and then I spend more time trying to figure out a way to make the promises happen or worse, I end up retreating and defeating my desire to maintain strong connections with others.
I get bogged down frequently in "the things that get in the way", and end up delaying things that I would have loved to do right the first time. In many ways I don't even know if the person I've disappointed even knows how much I punish myself for not doing better? I wonder if they think I just brush off these failures and keep going. Truth is, I don't. I set pretty high standards for myself and sadly sometimes they are unreachable. I take all of these failures to heart. I try very hard to balance my need to take risks and try new things, with the litany of the things that went wrong in the past before I decide to stick my neck out yet again. I'm saying this because I'm about to delve into two self-guided efforts to work on balancing my own self-sabotaging tendencies with my need to try to keep everyone happy and I'm sure I'll be blogging about these in the coming weeks.
I read this article tonight which gave a mild hint of perspective, but in the end leaves me wanting to understand more and I'm going to find my way through it. As many people including one of my best friends, Pam said to me recently "You could be the juiciest peach and you are going to still find people who don't like peaches." We aren't all Dolly Parton (whom most people love); and it's fair to say I'm 100% sure she has her own haters. Its rising above that noise to be the person who will attract your own tribe which is where it's taken me 47 years to get to. Regardless it's my hope not not spend the remaining 47 years ahead with the same dead albatross around my neck.
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