Originally posted on a previous blog May 1, 2020.
What's in a number?
For example...let's take 365.
It's the number of days in a standard calendar year.
It's apparently the name of a song from Katy Perry.
It's also the amount of pounds that are currently loaded upon my 5 foot 6 inch frame.
Not a frame on my wall.
On my body.
Now don't get me started on feeling bad about it. I don't actually feel bad about the number, I do currently feel bad because as I've aged being a plus sized woman since age 16 means that eventually a larger number does start to take it's toll on your body. For the MOST PART, I'm very healthy. I have great numbers cholesterol wise, I am not diabetic and it's taken me this long to show any signs of hypertension which both my mother and father had. I mean, I'm blessed to be this size and this healthy.
However, I am fighting the advancement of my blood pressure. I am dealing with (for the first time in my life), a widening waistline due to perimenopause (I'm 46 y'all and still sexy). I have experienced issues with pain in my joints, knees especially given I've danced since age 4. Last year, given a job that was a toxic environment I even had a blood pressure that was at stroke level. So, given all those factors it may be time to evaluate taking up just a bit less physical space.
Now, if you know me...you know that I am a hard-core body positive advocate. I'm also very much anti-agesim. I will admit that I've seen myself in so many plus-sized heroines over the years only to feel a small level of betrayal when I saw they "lost weight". I know...I know. The feminist in me is disappointed because frankly each woman I used to idolize due to their size and confidence has every right to lose weight for whatever reason they so choose. They really do.
But each time, I felt like I lost a role model. Someone who was unapologetically out there plus-sized and loving themselves in the skin they are in. People who were paving a path for an inclusive vision of all bodies being beautiful not just perfect size 8s or otherwise. Over the years, our culture has embraced more plus-size individuals as seen in improving fashion, more visibility in popular culture, less overt fat-phobia out there in the public eye. However, each time a plus-size goddess became a fit for a standard sizes store, it made me feel the pressure. To fit in. To fit somehow. To make people more comfortable with who I am and my place in this world.
So why am I telling you this, because I have a goal weight that is considerably higher than the BMI indexes and the "appropriate" height and weight charts that exist; and while I am about to actually DO THE WORK to become slightly smaller in this body, I am in no way intending to be skinny or doing this for any pressured reasons. I want to be a plus-size woman, with a pro-living health. I want to show people that loving the skin your in no matter where you begin only helps you love it when you give it more chances to live bigger.
If you want to support this part of my life in black pants, please I could use a lot of positive encouragement, shared recipes for things that are yummy but maybe more natural or just things to keep my focus on the grand journey ahead. If you're in a similar position in your life, feel free to reach out to me for a listening ear and a kind word from someone who understands. Your support is so greatly appreciated and honestly needed; but being a woman of strength and courage...it's not a necessity. However, I thank every person who does believe in what people like me are trying to do.
And so...I begin at 365. Where I end is my choice. However I'm excited about a life-time of 365 annual opportunities to make this world a bit more wonderful if I possibly can. <3
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